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Mar 2007 12

Elevator Etiquette

Rants!

For anyone who has ever in their life previously, or may at some point in the future, use a vertical assention device - a.k.a. an Elevator.. This rant is for you!

Anytime you find your self in the predicament of being trapped in a small box with one or more complete strangers, it's time to employ the use of something that most people never use; Manners. You might even want to whip out and dust off, common sense, another ill-used and often neglected commodity.

Most likely this torturous sojourn will only last a minute or two, but sometimes it can seem like forever. This is largely due to the fact that most people are completely oblivious to the fact that they are being painfully discourteous and down right rude to the other passengers. To the "others" I say; You're not alone, and you're not the most important person there. Suspend any and all activity (with the exception of breathing and heart beats) until you get off the elevator.

To the complainers I say; there is a certain amount of "discomfort" that you're going to have to accept here due to the relative size of the elevator. Short and sweet, you either share the space with the "others" or you use the stairs. To the "others" I say; try to make that situation as comfortable as possible by following some extremely simple rules;

_When waiting for the elevator, don't stand directly infront of the door. _

Duh. There is a good chance people are going to be getting off the elevator, so don't block the door ya dolt.

If the button has already been pushed, don't push it again.

Hey guys. If you walk up to an elevator and someone has already push the UP button, pushing it more wont make the elevator go any faster. Its not like the elevator thinks, "Oh Mr. Highandmighty is waiting.. I better hurry..".. No.. it just makes you look like an ass.. Stand there and wait patiently!

Before getting on the elevator, let those who are already on get off first.

Don't try to crowd your fat ass on to the elevator while people are trying to get off! This is mostly to women.. YOU WAIT! When everyone that is getting off, then and only then, may you proceed onto the elevator. I can't tell you how many times people have tried to push their way onto an elevator when people where trying to exit. You can wait 10 seconds for them to exit.

If the elevator is full, wait for the next one.

Dear god.. the 1 minute it takes for the elevator to come back wont kill you. If the compartment is full, don't try to elbow your way among the other sardines.. Just wait!

Push the button for your floor once, or not at all if already lit.

You impatient shit! Don't sit there pounding on the floor button because you're in a hurry.. the whole world is in a hurry, slow down and wait. The extra 3 seconds it takes for the door to close wont kill you. You just end up looking like an ass.

Don't push or even touch the close door button.

Yet again, impatient jerks will stand there hammering on the close door button. 'cause they are in a hurry.. Never mind grandma who is trying to get on the elevator; "no I want the door to close! I'm in a hurry!" Fuck you. Keep your fat digit away from the close door button. I'd be fine if they removed it completely.. Or better yet, everytime you poke it the elevator voice should say "The button pusher is an asshole!" really loudly. You can wait. It takes what? 3 seconds.. maybe 5.. Oh gosh.. we might be late!

_Hold the door open for people. _

If someone is very clearly coming to the elevator, hold the damn door for them you selfish bitch. Ladies, if someone is walking through a door behind you.. HOLD THE DOOR! Same goes for elevators. The world doesn't revolve around you.

When entering the elevator, go as far back as possible.

Yo! Meatsack! Move all the way to the back of the elevator to make room. Most likely there are more people getting on the elevator.. Move your tub of guts out of the way.

Whoever is in front, goes first.

Ladies, if someone is in front of you getting off the elevator (you are both going to the same floor) THEY GO FIRST. I have actually seen on more than one occasion women claw there way from the back of the elevator so they can get off before someone that was right next to the door. Fuck you. You wait! Again, and this may seem like a theme, 3 or 4 seconds wont kill you.

If the car is crowded, ask for your floor.

If you get on the elevator, and you can't reach the buttons - hell even if you can, just blurt out a floor. Followed by that rarely used word "Please". It may take several tries to pronounce it correctly, so you may want to practice.. Try it the next time you get on an elevator.. "3 please". I bet you someone will be more than happy to push the button for you.. Most likely followed by pushing the close door button.

Face the door you're exiting.

Remember, personal space is at a premium on an elevator. And thus to help maximized the sense of area around individuals it's best to not look them in the eye. Don't be an obnoxious twit and stare at someone. Face the door.. Eyes front dirtbag!

Don't preen in the mirror.

Many elevators have a mirrored finish, this isn't an excuse to put on makeup ladies. You should have done that shit at home.. and most likely it didn't do any good anyway.. Put it away! And the next bitch who puts on hairspray while I'm standing next to her in the elevator gets curbstomped. I mean seriously.. Hairspray!

.. I can keep going for days.. Most of these rules are very simple and are easily covered by "Common sense".. which is so uncommon as to be a rare commodity.. Sometimes I wish we could bottle it and sell it.. But thats for another thread..

Needless to say, be polite on elevators. There is a good chance that you're going to be sharing the same elevator with the same people over and over. How about be nice for a change?

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