My Cats Diary

Published on Dec 21, 2006 Comedy « Prev Next »

In an attempt to confuse any would-be reader; I have cleverly written my diary from bottom up. Ha ha!

Day 984 :: The evil one has errected a huge conifer in the middle of the house and decorated it with all manner of taunting colorful bobbley bits! Clearly an attempt to annoy me further. I shall destroy as much of it as possible.

DAY 972 :: The collaborator is no more! The tall fat one knew that I was on to his attempt to introduce a spy into or ranks and has removed him. I shudder to think of the punishment for failure! He “put him out” one day, and the spy didn’t return. Maybe he escaped of his own volition, however, I fear foul play. (Spoo - we miss you.)

DAY 965 :: The large meatbag has introduced 3 new captives! Cats all! One is free to come and go as he pleases, clearly a collaborator. One is more than happy to be the slave and do as the “master” wishes, and the hairy one appears to hate this existence as much as I do. It appears that I have a new found ally in my struggle to escape; I clearly have to kill her.

DAY 961 :: The large one came in today and interrupted my nap! He yanked my bedding out from under me and yammered away at me for a good while. Something about my always sleeping on his black “clothing”. I can only ascribe is annoyance at the white fur I left behind. Tonight I hunt more black bedding to nap on! Sweet vengeance!

DAY 953 :: My tormentor continues to allow me to sit on the ledge and look out at the world. He doesn’t realize that this one simple act is enough to keep me going. If only I knew how to make this invisible barrier go away; freedom would be mine!

DAY 951 :: Drat! The unnaturally furless one has found my collection of gold poison sticks, the assortment of buttons and string plus the large mass of fuzzy stuff I was keeping under the cold humming box in hopes to one day escape. A couple of days ago the box stopped humming and wasn’t cold any more. It also started to emit a foul oder that I can only assume was a means to further poison and demean me. Oh he is a sly one. Without even being there he some how managed to turn my own hiding place against me. I wont go near the thing any longer. Once he realized that his plan didn’t work and that I knew to stay away from it, he replaced the large box with an even larger cold humming box. This one has a gate on the front ofit. It will be difficult to hide things under. Foiled this time!

DAY 943 :: My captor came in today carrying a foul smelling bag which he placed on the flat surface and began to eat from. It smelled terrible and must have been poisonous. Since he is my only chance for escape I sat there and did my best to explain to him that it was bad for him but he only smiled and continued to eat. The fool. It was obviously some burnt meaty substance, former captives maybe, and long golden sticks of some sort. After my valiant attempt to warn him of the obviously poisonous nature of his meal, he tried to poison me as well with one of the golden sticks. Once I pulled it out of his paw, I slapped it around for a while and made sure it was dead. I finally hid it under the large cold humming box. Maybe if I get enough of these poisonous sticks I can use them to escape with.

DAY 934 :: A foul plot is a foot! I have found an exact copy of me lurking about the place. They have installed several small windows for him to view me. He must be studying me to learn my every move. He is a sly one too. He mimics my every move and only looks at me when I look at him! This must be some attempt by my captors to replace the goodly cats of the world with their own foul creations!

DAY 923 :: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

DAY 920 :: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event again in the room with the funny chair. However, this time I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 890 :: I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. I with stood his punishment like my predecessor, at which point my captor brought out a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Deadman CatDAY 846 :: I have found possible blackmail material on my holder. After shredding through a book he carelessly left unguarded I stumbled across a photo of one of his previous captives. Since this comrade in captivity is no where to be found I can only assume the worst. He looks to have been tortured. Proof that my tormentor will stop at nothing short of torture.

DAY 844 :: My captor has taken to applying sleep depravation techniques on me. During the day he pets me constantly interrupting my attempts at napping.. At this rate if I don’t get more sleep I wont have enough energy for my main nights snooze. Oh, he’s a sly one..

DAY 835 :: Must remember to hide collar after freeing myself of it. My freedom was short lived, I am branded once again.

DAY 834 :: Free at last! I have escaped the grasp of the dreaded collar. I have a new found freedom and shall celebrate by enjoying a nice house plant.

DAY 831 :: He has branded me! I am forced to walk around with a collar on my neck which dangles a disc branded with his markings. I can only assume this writing tells of my torment so that other oppressors can punish me accordingly. They are a deviously organized lot.

DAY 811 :: Muahaha My frustration tactics are working! While my tormentor was looking intently on the box with moving pictures I sat by the door meowing incessantly until he opened it, at which point I took his spot on the couch.

DAY 805 :: Foul hideous creature! Bane of my existence! I have come under repeated attack by this large meat bag! He continues to spray me with a foul smelling unction from a pink and white can. I think I got most of it off by rolling around on his pillow.

DAY 803 :: Addendum: Again I am encased in the room with the chair of funny tasting water..

DAY 803 :: My endless campaign of torment against my captor has have another victory!! While he was trying to show other would be oppressors what kind of good kitty I was, I stared fixedly out the window at nothing until the hulking beast picked me up and forced me to look at a small future oppressor. In an attempt to plea my case to this soon-to-be assassin of joy, I expressed my dislike for its kind by baring my claws and hissing in the traditional manner of our kind.

DAY 793 :: Argh! Further attempts to win my affection! He has started to put real food in my bowl. I will accept this offering but will have to pee in several strategic places about the house.

DAY 790 :: In a pathetic attempt to win my affection my oppressor has brought me a large post with carpet for me to scratch on. I must have touched a nerve by scratching on the noise making box. Must remember to do that some more..

DAY 786 :: Addendum: The water in the chair tastes funny.

DAY 786 :: Drat! My captor is smarter than he appears. He has trapped me in small room with a chair full of water as punishment for last nights merriment. A large white curtain hangs from high above. I will attempt to climb it in order to get out.

DAY 785 :: Last night was a triumph!! I repeatedly vexed my captors by playing “Paper Bag Mouse” in the middle of the night, tearing up and down the hallway caterwauling, and by playing “King of the Hill” on their bed, clawing my way to the top which I believe caused some bloodshed. Vengeance is mine!!

DAY 775 :: In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on his favorite chair…must try this on his bed.

DAY 773 :: Attempted to mislead my tormentor by ignoring their pathetic attempts at interaction and stared fixedly over their shoulders into the corner of the room, at the ceiling, whiskers twitching. When they turned around to look over their shoulders, crept out of the room.

DAY 765 :: Decapitated a mouse and brought him the headless body, in attempt to make him aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into his heart. He only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was… foiled again.. Maybe a bird would prove to him that no creature is safe..

DAY 762 :: Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 761 :: Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded … must try this at the top of the stairs.

DAY 752 :: My captor continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. He dines lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant